Updated: Jan 20, 2021
“She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Everyone has their list of favorites…
Your favorite song - the one that causes you to throw your arms in the air and jump around screaming “this is my favorite song” and you sing along without a care in the world.
Or that certain smell that warms you from your toes and puts a silly smile on your face… like the smell of fresh pine trees or puppy breath.
Now let’s talk food… our list is long and interesting.
One of our most favorite is coffee and scones at our witching hour of 2:00pm. This is about the time our hearty breakfast has worn off and we are ready for a snack, but not a full meal.
As everyone knows, when you are on vacation, your strict eating habits go out the window AND carbs don’t count. So enjoy the scone everyday with the jam and clotted cream. Just in case you do not know what clotted cream is, do not be fooled by the word “clotted.”
Clotted cream is like homemade whipped cream and butter! A dollop of this on a warm scone with a fruited jam and the angels start rejoicing. #hallelujah
A side note, in Ireland, the scones are served with butter and jam. Don’t want you to be disappointed when you are not served clotted cream. The Irish butter is just as good, although we are partial to clotted cream.
We will obsess about scones now just from writing this. Unfortunately, a Southern Biscuit isn’t the same as an English Scone. Furthermore, don’t get us started on Starbucks Scones. #wearesconesnobs
Now back to wandering the closes of Edinburgh.
As with any other day, we are in constant search for a cup of coffee and a scone. #obsessedmuch
A bright yellow sign catches our eye. Tea and scones! Down the narrow close , off the beaten path, to the tiny tea house we will go.
The door opens with the sound of a jingley-bell…at first glance, it is like stepping back in time to your Grandmother’s house.
If you are like us, your Grandmother’s house was either freezing or a sauna. We walked into the sauna… jackets are immediately taken off and Natalie being hot-natured starts sweating and is ready to turn and leave, but instead stays to eyeball and gawk at the time warped decor.
Lacey crocheted doilies covered everything from the table to the sugar bowl and the creamer. Tables line the narrow hallway/brown wood paneling space.
The sweets are on display in their glass cabinet waiting to tempt you.
As we stand at the front counter checking out all the options prepared to order we are met with a Scottish disembodied voice.
“Take a seat! I will take your order when I’m done with this one.”
Welcome to Scotland’s straightforwardness.
We navigate around the narrow restaurant and find a small table. Feeling like we had just been admonished by our grandmother, we try not to laugh as we sit down.
Beside us sat a well dressed lady, mid-60s, beautiful styled silver hair, sparkly diamond rings adorn her fingers...very prim and proper... finishing up her meal. It appears she is lunching with a friend by the plate of unfinished food across from her.
Connie gets up to go get a menu. When she comes back, she’s practically doing a tip toe dance. She slides into her seat and giggles. She does the, “don’t look now but…” whisper.
“Someone left their teeth on that plate!” More giggles.
“WHAT?!” Natalie wipes the sweat and sneaks a peak over to the table next to us.
The one thing about Natalie is, she doesn’t like to watch people eat, hear the noises they make, or anything that has to do with saliva or spit.
Connie is roaring and is mesmerized by the teeth. She can’t look away. Natalie is green. Through clenched teeth (all her own - no pun intended) Natalie whisper screeches “I’m leaving! Forget it! I’ve lost my appetite!”
“No wait - - don’t you want to see who the teeth belong to?” Her giggles are making heads turn.
“NO! I’m not eating here. I won’t. I can’t.”
“Those teeth belong to someone. They will come back for them. Who’s teeth are they? I’m waiting. You can go but I wanna see.” #sherlockholmes
While we are whisper fighting, a young lady arrives and greets our classy neighbor. They get up and leave. Teeth are still on the plate - Who forgets their teeth?? How does this even happen?
Undetected by us because we are too concerned with our current situation and dilemma, two older ladies had been sitting tucked away in a corner.
One of them gets up and “discreetly” picks of the unclaimed teeth/plate and places on their table.
Connie’s eyes are like saucers. Hysterical laughing behind her hands. What is going on?? Do we get our chance to dine with the teeth?
“I may pass out. I’m going to get me some water”. Natalie heads to the front to pour a glass of water. The lady behind the counter is preparing food: slicing and dicing vegetables for another customer.
“I’m not *cough* ready yet. Sit down *gurgle* and I’ll be ready *hack* in a minute.” she says.
Natalie stares in horror as the woman spittles and sprays the vegetables. #cantlookaway
Oh Hell NO!
Stomping back to the table, “No no no! I’m leaving. You can stay but I’m so grossed out.
I WON’T eat here.
The lady is coughing all over someone’s freaking lunch”.
Connie is now hysterically hissing behind her hands. She’s not budging. She also can’t stop looking at the teeth. They have hypnotized her.
Natalie, on the other hand, is starting to keel over. She’s swaying from the heat and the fact that someone forgot their TEETH ON A PLATE!
Finally, Connie’s eyes get real big.
Remember the two ladies nestled away in the corner who rescued the plated teeth??
One of them yells to the cook behind the counter hacking up a lung,
“You left your teeth on the plate.”
“Oh right I forgot about those! She waddles out from behind the glass, looks down at the plate, picks up the dentures, shakes them off and slides them back in her mouth.
All the color drains from Natalie’s face and she appears pasty white.
That’s it! Done! She turns without saying a word, head down and, without making any eye contact, nearly runs out of the sad little tea house.